The last couple weeks have been harrowing for me, just like everyone else in the world. My recent experiences tell me that the world we knew has altered, and I wonder if the change is to stay. A universally shared anxiety binds us all strangely but seamlessly. Will it evoke empathy in us or make us more selfish and polarized? I share how I have felt and admit that this is a mental health issue for me. I write in the hope that we take care of ourselves, allow everyone else their stresses and be kind to them.
I present a rough timeline of my stresses and anxieties. To put myself in perspective, I am a recent graduate from the Harvard Kennedy School, living alone in the US, working at school as a research and teaching fellow; my 18-year-old son, siblings and parents are in India. I’ve lived recently with a deep sense of loneliness and worrisome lows every now and then. The last week of February, 2020 saw a pogrom in Delhi and surfaced deep sadness, restlessness and anxiety in me. This feeling was common to most of us the Indian community in Boston. This despondency and what ensued is broadly captured in my chart here.
The creeping feeling that I may not be able to go home in the summer was eating me up. The feeling that I may not be with my son while he applies to universities in India pushed made me nearly dysfunctional, I had anxiety attacks. Monday 9th March, the Harvard President emailed saying all classes will shift online and that students do not need to come back to school till the end of the semester. In the background there was the anxiety of winding up of stuff there, renting out my room, returning books to the library and so on.
India decides not to issue visas to any other countries, Trump announced no flights from Europe! The crisis kept escalating and before 11th March ended, I was booked to leave Boston on 12th evening and fly NYC-Delhi on 13th. I was up all night, packing. Slept 3 hours. Woke up, packed again, attended a class online. That’s the only time I got to sit and was grateful for it. Transported two years of my life to another place in an uber. Lifted the several bags and suitcases myself 💪🏾!! In the midst of all this I had the terrible anxiety of leaving my roommates behind. Together made our place feel like home, we had become very fond of one another. My leaving so suddenly would leave them very anxious and me very guilty of leaving them alone. Yet, I managed to find my way home and quarantined myself, disoriented but relieved.
That’s my story. Not very different from others. The people who came to check on my room to sublet were dealing with as many variables, most were international students, soon to be homeless, as the university asked them to leave their dorms. On my way to the airport, the uber driver was wondering how much work he’ll have in the near future. Earlier in the day another uber driver shouted at me and refused to take my luggage. Our stories vary somewhat but the stresses are likely to be similar.
At the airport, the tension was palpable. No one was walking anywhere near another person, and it wasn’t out of respecting their space. It was out of protecting oneself. People weren’t even making eye contact as much as was possible. That sense of being at ease, which we normally have while hanging out in public spaces was totally missing. People were visibly scared, also of one another. There was a frown on most foreheads even of the few people who were smiling and laughing. I saw people flinch when another person would walk close, I noticed myself flinching too. I saw mothers screaming at their young children to wear masks, invoking God, the kids’ sense of loyalty to the mother and so on. Social distancing is real, everyone felt it in every cell in their bodies. The fear was difficult to hide.
This fear is understandable. I worry about this turning into distrust and disrespect. Everyone I saw was suffering. Everyone I’ve spoken to during this time is living with an ominous feeling of living in danger. That the form and extent of the danger is not defined makes it worse. It is highly likely that most people around us are dealing with active mental health issues. Till things turn around, as days go by, people will lose their cool more often, they will be difficult, even irrational. Once we’ve found ways to preserve our sanity, I believe deeply that understanding others’ unstated and invisible stresses and being kind to them is the most important contribution we can make as individuals.
I have had the blessing of finding some sense of emotional and physical wellbeing. I reached out to people who cared, shared my anxieties, looked for little things to do in the day to calm my nerves. I cooked, painted, went for walks, mediated and chose to be with family. Please reach out to your support systems and find your little things to do. In the meantime, though, please remember to be kind to the others around, their suffering is a mirror image or ours.
Preeti Sahai 